So much rain and wind to wash it all off and to blow it all away.
Fuck it's been a hard year. I won't be sad to say goodbye to this one.
Of course it hasn't been completely without joys but being unwell and trying to be a capable mum is not without it's challenges.
I just want a break. I'm at the point where I genuinely do not know my next move. I am so unhappy in my job but staying there only in order to keep a roof over our heads.
I can't find a job that pays the same as this one and cannot contemplate working more hours at lesser pay due to the constant exhaustion.
How do people manage this shiz? If I didn't have kids and a house I would have left my job a long time ago. I feel as though I'm making it difficult for myself but can't see a way not to.
When musicians die, legions of us join in grief, with shared memories, who can ever forget The Ace of Spades or Too Much Too Young? They leave something brilliant behind, a tangible legacy.
When relationships die does anyone join in our grief? The one person who can console and comfort is the one who would do the most damage should you let them back in.
Then there are the losses which affect our universal consciousness, the wars, rumours of war, bombing, flooding, rape, abuse and torture.
We have all experienced unbelievable lows this year but can we share and appreciate our great joys? The things that keep us going when it feels too hard to carry on?
I have to acknowledge the joys, what would be the point of a life if only the low points are recognised?
Perfect joy: every day my beautiful children learn more and achieve more. I love loving them, watching them, listening to them, contributing to their development and sharing so many cuddles and kisses. Dancing together and writing our own set of house rules (which of course nobody adheres to...)
More joy: sharing laughs and naughty convos with friends, unfettered laughter, cheeky confessions and bonds strengthened over a cocktail or two.
Deep joy: silly, wild, abandoned dancing. Laughing and shaking it all about, knowing that I will be in pain tomorrow but doing it anyway.
Bittersweet joy: the feeling of being in love and the great sex that goes with it. Laughing, snuggling, dreams and whispers, whispers of dreams.
Endless joy: the sea, the cool saltiness, refreshing, invigorating, all encompassing.
So I am more than happy to say goodbye to 2015. I hope, dream and pray that 2016 will bring more joys for all of us.
Happy new year xxxx