My first sojourn into the world of dating was actually with a very old and trusted friend. He turned out to be a nasty character who rode roughshod over all my boundaries. I was very confused as we'd had a great friendship for years. I didn't want anything to detract from the children so decided to have a break altogether from men and just concentrate on my little family.
As I barely ever go out, I didn't expect to be dating anytime soon, but you know how life is, I met someone in the course of my domestic life. I didn't actually want to get involved again but this guy seemed to tick so many of my boxes, similar interests, same age, cute and seemed really kind. So we got together over a few dates, I tried to keep it quite casual as I have so much going on in my life. He kept pushing for more and I felt I was constantly resisting him whilst simultaneously finding him irresistible.
Early on in the process I told him a couple of my immovable boundaries, my bottom line, my non negotiables. I got to really like him, we had lots of fun and he was very sweet and understanding of my conditions. There were some niggles but having talked it over with friends I decided I am a control freak and I would try and relax about the whole deal.
I couldn't quite relax though and ultimately found him dishonest and a bit of a let down. He tried to say that my standards are too high.
Hey ho, I'd rather be alone with high standards than showing my children their mother settling for less than the best.
So I have been crying a bit, missing him a lot and wishing things had been different. I could really do with someone to share all this with. I have very little in the way of family and those that I do have are particularly dismissive of my health issues. I have not had much support since my marriage ended, prior to that, my husband was brilliant on a practical level, just less than lacking on the emotional front.
I am lonely and would love to have a partner to help out, to lean on, to laugh with. I don't have much of a social life because I am too knackered and I don't have many friends who are single and/or up for it on the (few) days that I am.
I have struggled being a parent on my own. I tried the Gingerbread group but although there's apparently a group in my town, I couldn't find anyway of making contact with them and the website was spectacularly unhelpful.
I have a wonderful time with my kids and we've had a very full weekend of activity but ultimately it's a lot of pressure on my own. By the time their bedtime comes I am almost rigid with pain. Who knew hypermobility could cause such crippling stiffness?
I feel so bad when I'm stressing at my little ones to clear up their mess, not because I'm trying to teach them to be tidy but just because I literally cannot move. I cannot bend to pick up another thing.
Tonight I thought 'oh fuck, are they going to end up as young carers? Not able to enjoy a normal childhood because of their useless mother?'.
No offence to parents of young carers, I'm just letting off some steam. I struggle to come to terms with what my body is doing to me. My brain is taking a while to accept my pain and lack of physical freedom.
That's turned into a bit of a whingefest. Nowt my night meds and a good sleep won't fix!
On the bright side, my little gems had amazing breakthroughs in the pool today. My little girl who swam a few tentative strokes last week, doggy paddled her way around the pool today with gusto and great aplomb.
It was a hugely proud moment for both of us, her style was super cute and funny, made all the more poignant by the fact that I didn't learn to swim as a child because of my childhood which was pretty neglectful and missing most of the key moments.
On top of my this, her little bro decided to get in on the action and swam a few strokes under water! This from a boy who cannot bear getting his face wet nor water in his eyes. What a pair of superheroes!
Have a good week y'all.